At first
You were my happiness When I felt none
You gave me hope
For something good
And that hope
Brought a secret joy
You were a daughter Or son
A sibling
One we cherished And loved
You were the smile On my face
And the laughter
In your sister’s voice.
You were all these things
From the time we knew you were there
Tucked away inside me
Until we understood
So abruptly
That your form had changed
Suddenly my brightly lit cloud Had turned to rain
And with it my joy
Turned to tears.
You became the pain
I had never let myself feel
The tears I’d swallowed So many years before
You were my chance
To reclaim my life
To look myself in the eye
To ask for help
With my head held high
To feel the anger
I’d so long denied
And to cut ties
With the toxins In my life
Who I’d previously Embraced
You were my courage
When honesty could wait no longer
You were the clarity that led me here
Down a healthier path
With healthier people.
You are the reason I’m a better mom
A healthier spouse
A calmer me
You are a reminder
Of my accomplishment Endurance and strength
18 months ago
I recognized your form For the very first time
Tucked away inside of mine
As you changed
I felt you slip away And I agonized For a while
But you never left
Instead your tiny little form expanded and grew
With me
Into something
Much more amazing
Than the child we expected
With your changing form
Came life changes in me
Your father,
Your sister,
And even my mother.
Now we recognize the form of another young being
Growing in the darkness that is my womb
This one has a different nature
Not of subtly passing through
Leaving it’s imprint
With very few “words”
This one is a fighter
Who insists that I know (s)he’s sticking around
By making me so sick
That I needed an IV Dripping fluid
Into my veins
For 57 hours straight
Is this you
My little love
Changing forms again?
Or is it your younger sibling
Coming to teach Taylor
How to be the wonderful Loving big sister
That she wants
To become?
Either way
No matter your form
You will be
forever valued
Appreciated
And loved
—Sarah Blanchard