A few years ago our family went through a difficult time.  The Great Recession swept away our fragile home business and we were in danger of losing our home.  We started questioning our understanding of God and the Bible, leading to the loss of our church family and some friendships.  We had hopes of having a child which were continually dashed.  It was hard for people in our lives to know how to help us,... [more]

Our father was both a wonderful, lovable parent and an abuser, both a liar and a former medic who sometimes understood how to comfort without being asked, both a vicious intellectual bully who gaslighted all of us and a producer of truly inventive ideas. To say his wife and two children were confused, while accurate, does not do justice to the anguished internal contortions, self-attacks, pain and rage that filled the atmosphere at home, even... [more]

It was the day after Election day, and I was feeling deeply despondent.  My brother kept sending me non-political cartoons via email.  I asked him if he was trying to console me.   Pete and I are 16 months apart.  Our mom used to say we were like two peas in a pod, or like a mama duck with her duckling following.  A few years ago, we realized we are like emotional twins. We understand... [more]

By the time we reached the Siskiyou Pass, the sky was dark.  A steady snowfall sparkled in the sweep of my headlights.  The road was slippery and visibility was very limited.  Behind the wheel, I felt a knot of tension in my stomach.    I was in my early twenties.  I had little confidence in my abilities, and even less confidence in my vehicle.  I was driving a borrowed Ford sedan.  The seats were comfortable.  But... [more]

Hope has long been a friend of mine. As a depressed teenager, the thing that most kept my spirits up was the anticipation of the next youth group event, or date with a girlfriend. Whatever the reasons for my current sadness, the future was a question mark, and sometimes question marks are amazing.   As a young adult, my hope was smaller in scope. During long days at work, my hope was in an evening... [more]

October 2006.  Four months since my son Jesse died.  Until now my grief had been tempered by hope that he would come to me in a dream to show me that he was okay.  But as days and weeks passed, I began to fear that something was wrong, and I was close to despair.   I had expected to hear from Jesse very soon because, like me, he had the dream gift that runs in our... [more]

The known becomes the unknown. The unknown looks me full in the face, unblinking, At first incomprehensible. Now is the time, I hear from someplace far away Yet closer than breath, To step forward. To cast aside the ease of compliance, That familiar, once-comfortable mantle Long tied about my neck, resting on my shoulders, The extreme heaviness of which I only now Begin to notice. Has the time perhaps come for us to grow up?... [more]

Hope is the beguiling optimist who enchants me to another day.  She whispers encouragement to open my eyes; the trickster who takes advantage during that fracture of time between sleep and consciousness. The brief second that I lie suspended between my dreams and the world. That brief moment before dread sweeps through me and I realize that my waking world is the nightmare.  The dread of another day watching my husband battle for his life.... [more]